the sheer enjoyment of being here (for Garbanzo)

Garbanzo RIP
Garbanzo
You were that part of me that showed me the whole
We did not rely on words
My love for you was in every breath I took, and now I breathe for you, now you have breathed your last
The terrible finite leaves me alone with a love too large to contain
Shredding the evidence of “I,” because love with a subject dies with it
But the death of the object has only deepened this love, that now cannot find a place to land
The mystery of this is that I conjured you, as a receptacle for the love it was not safe to feel without you
The Transmission of your purr, which took some time for you to find, was the possibility of the sheer enjoyment of being here
Missing legs, trauma, and all: how simply to be
What is it you are that I am?
When you lost your leg, we mourned, but you were still here
Now this old coat of a body has followed that leg, into the dirt
And I mourn, but you are still here, embodied now in “I”
That love that is all subject, without object
I miss your eyes
Now inside, looking out
I miss your cry, which has become mine
I miss the weight of your body, the most solid and substantial thing there was, the ground
That made me stay put
I miss the sound of your presence among us
I will never understand
How the center of my heart could shift, from being to none
Now I am lamed, like you, and the wound is what makes me whole
A mystery
If I cannot see you anymore
Then I can only be you
Love finds an echo to its deepest cry
In the heart that breaks to say goodbye
That you were ever here
That any of us were ever here
There is only love to testify

10 thoughts on “the sheer enjoyment of being here (for Garbanzo)”

  1. Thank you for finding words for this almost unspeakable experience. I honor Garbanzo, and the raw human grief and joy that such loves draw from us.

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  2. There is something deeply wonderful about companionship with our feline siblings. Your tribute to Garbanzo expressed so much. Thank you.

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  3. My kitty that I had for 16 years died on the 21st after being ill for a year. When I was sick and feeling all alone she would snuggle up to me when I needed to feel loved and safe.

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  4. If you want what visible reality can give you, you’re an employee.
    If you want the unseen world, you’re not living your truth.
    Both wishes are foolish, but you’ll be forgiven for forgetting
    That what you really want is love’s confusing joy. – Rumi

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