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First of a two-part conversation with Jessie Brown, on the auticulture banner, identifying as autistic, discovering sensitivity, reading body language, fear of bright lights, sunglasses after dark, birth memories, blogging, white guilt and white privilege, Rally the Right, living in the US, dealing with anger, how politically incorrect am I, ideological inception, rich person in a poor person’s body, a healthy way to express anger, relationship with father, the problem with decent society, anger from left to right, the anger of men, different socialization for men & women, the ultimate escapism, a reservoir of grief, pot-smoking, a dedication to dissociation, somatic responses, Seen & Not Seen & identity creation, a love of Legend, the original transvestite, permission to compartmentalize, Persephone myth, only perfect innocence, the unconscious appeal of fairy tales, Dirty Harry, trauma & dissociation, a regressed & progressed part, the self-care system.
Songs: “Wartime Lovers,” “Season of Serpents,” “Glory Glory,” “Walking with a Woman,” by Rose Windows.
I think I might be a neurotypical because I like bright lights. But I like bright lights because they help with my eye strain and keeps headaches away. I don’t have great night vision either. But I also like dim lights while watching tv or drifting to sleep while listening to a podcast or some video on Youtube.
About escapism: I habitually drift off to sleep and take lots of naps on my days off from work. I listen to youtube videos or podcasts while nodding off. I can nod off during tv watching too. Maybe that is some kind of escapism or disassociation. I often have that feeling that life is passing me by. But whenever I think of the concept of non-escaping or action I think that I should be doing something that amounted to an accomplishment like having a family, having a successful career, having an advanced degree, vacationing to some exotic locale all in the vein of giving myself something to talk about to people. But other than that when I breakdown those concepts I am left with not being sure what non-escapism really is. I never really felt a strong desire to start a family or be successful but I’ve been programmed from society that those are good achievements and the opposite of escapism.
I’m still stuck with that war in my head regarding escapism, achievement, self-worth and aloneness. Breaking down those concepts came with learning spiritual teachings of self-inquiry from various teachers like Eli Jaxon Bear and Gangaji. Now I’m learning mindfulness and being present. I don’t know where that will take me. I am learning to try to not care about that anymore. I am feeling comfortable being lost. But it’s still hard. I’m stuck between the programming I grew up with and the reality of what this moment is, what this moment is unfolding or revealing.