Today’s newsflash for both guys and gals: A man can fake his orgasms (and now his hard-on) too.
As some of you know (you have been kind enough to tell me), there are benefits to be had from sharing intimate details of our inner journey, especially painful and embarrassing ones. I said a while ago that I have kept my most intimate relations private, specifically regarding Dave Oshana and my marriage. But if humanity is a single organism, with many perceptual nodes, is anything ever really private?
(Think about that for a minute.)
I am a firm believer that “the devil is in the detail” and that, better the devil we know than the devil we don’t (better out than in). The same applies to God. Without some concrete examples of the process Dave is overseeing, it risks being too abstract, too “spiritual,” to be tangible to those who currently find themselves outside the “field.” It also risks seeming distant, theoretical, and impractical.
Last Sunday’s Dave event, “Spiritually Taboo: Sexual Energy: Good, Bad and Ugly: Uses, Misuses and Abuses” (replay this Saturday at 9 am UK time) was about sex, which some might say is the most intimate water of all to be diving into. Dave approached the subject with open trepidation: a set of clean clothes and lots of drinking water, which he drank at regular intervals from his Buddha mug (which my wife commented looks almost as big as his head—see figure A.)
What is Beyond My Power
The medium is the message: whatever reaches us, its quality is largely determined by the channel through which it comes. Since I am already using the medium of language, the message can never be anything but polluted (think about all the slobbering mouths and sticky fingers these words have already passed through over the centuries). The least I can do, then, is ensure my own state is as pristine and uncluttered as it can be, while transmitting whatever it is I have to transmit.
Something essential about sex? The thing everyone wants to know about but no one seems to understand? The thing that, perhaps in some horribly literal fashion, has now been done to death?
During the Dave event, I took very few notes. I had the thought early on—once I realized I wasn’t taking any notes—that making a blogpost around this event was going to be like trying to have sex is for me these days—beyond my power. Ahem. Please note the emphasis on the word “trying.” And if you are starting to want to say “TMI” round about now—just imagine how I feel.
Because the medium is the message, that’s what this blogpost is about: what is beyond my power—to experience, articulate, or express. I am reassuring myself that it is also beyond your power, because it is beyond all of our power; and that there is a reason why it is, and a reason why it needs to be.
However, I am by definition shooting in the dark here. It’s up to you, dear receiver, to decide whether I am firing with blanks or not.
I Don’t Mind Sex, I Just Don’t Want to Be There When It Happens
The night-morning before the meet, I had a series of dreams that I won’t reproduce here except to say: 1) they involved my sexuality; 2) they made it clear to me that my sexuality, libido and life force, had been imprinted at an unconscious level (likely at a very young age) by patterns of what I would call aberrant sexuality (though libertine progressives would doubtless disagree); 3) as a result of this, my sexuality has been severely compromised: as it stirs and moves, these older patterns or imprints (body memories) also move into awareness, causing feelings of ambivalence, beneath which are stronger, less conscious feelings such as anxiety, guilt, shame, or disgust.
“I’d love to hold you; I’d love to kiss you; I ain’t got time for that now.”
Here’s the thing: although, as already testified, I had difficulty accessing my libido as a teenager and a young man; and although that resulted in experiences of impotence and years of involuntary celibacy (yes, I was the prototype for the incel); in later years (early thirties to mid-forties), I enjoyed a fairly “normal” sex life. I even felt for a time like I had gained full access to my libidinal forces. (Parties, discos, fooling around!)
Yet last Sunday morning, in the small window between my disturbing dreams and Dave’s event, what I realized was this: I have never been able to give all of my life force to the sexual act, which sort of means I was never really there, at all. What may be considerably more disturbing is that, for much of the time, I really thought I was.
I am italicizing that last, not only because it’s true, but because I am hoping it potentially lets me off the hook of shameless self-exposure that the preceding sentence hung me on, scrotum in the wind. I am suggesting that this may very well be true of you, dear reader, whoever you are, though only if you have the balls to admit it.
There was a key incident in the dream in which my wife (full disclosure, she was also my close friend from childhood, who was male) stopped me touching his/her breast with words to the effect of: “Don’t forget—touch.” What I understood by this was that sex could only really begin with a kind of touch that has nothing to do with stimulating erogenous zones or even physical arousal, and everything to do with—touch.
With contact. Connection.
Where there is no connection, no real sex can occur. And when sex occurs without that connection, the chances of a real connection may actually be reduced rather than increased by our premature and presumptuous conjugation.
I Desire, Therefore I Am
Over the years, I have asked Dave for help with my “libido.” Over the years, I realized that Dave didn’t quite know what I meant by libido, probably because I didn’t either.
Essential point for the discerning to ponder: Dave only really understands whatever I say to him exactly as much as I do; that’s what makes him trustworthy as a guiding intelligence.
I told Dave, over the years, that for me, libido was synonymous with life force, and life force was equivalent to soul. When I said I needed help accessing my libido, I also meant this: getting back to my soul. Dave may have wondered why, then, did I refer to libido at all? The answer is, or was, that for me, libidinal desire and its expression, having a full experience of both, felt essential to relocating my soul and rediscovering who I am.
I suspect many guys, and maybe women too, feel this way; or at least you did when you were still young enough to think that your manhood was in your manhood, right? Size may not matter—but performance sure as hell does. Right, guys?
Or maybe wrong. Dead wrong.
During the meet, my first scribbled notes are:
body as container for spirit
women as receiver of energy —
I only began taking longer notes when Dave started talking about how each of us have assault courses set up around our souls, like minefields preventing us from getting too close to each other. For a couple to really connect, he said, they need to be in a shared state of peace and relaxation; but since we are forever setting off one another’s defense systems, there is rarely ever such peace between us. So how can we really connect?
When two people come together to have sex, they call it lovemaking. But unless they have been living together in a state of pure, condition-free love before the sex, and unless they continue to do so after, it’s doubtful if what they made in that act was actually love.
This is a pretty high-bar for lovemaking—but I think it has to be set that high, unless the word is only meant as a euphemism: a cover story. And if it’s a cover story, what’s the crime? (Maybe the crime is the cover story?)
Dark & Light Triads
When Dave said on this event that it is not really possible to separate sexual energy from life force, he confirmed my sense of a sacred trinity of libido, life force, and soul. Curiously, a day or two before the event, Dave sent me an email suggesting I do a search for “dark triad” on startpages and see whose image came up (his initials are JS). “Dark triad” is a psychological term I hadn’t heard before—it refers to the personality traits of narcissism, Machiavellianism, and psychopathy. So now I found myself contemplating two triads: one dark, the other light.
Towards the end of the event, Dave said he was not going to get into the dark uses of sexual energy on the planet but that this was an area that affected us all so long as it was going on. Before that, he spoke about the preoccupation with the dark side of existence and how it draws us into it; he suggested we make it a daily practice to dis-associate from “the melancholia mind.”
I made my own note: the trump card of the dark forces is to show their hand and spellbind us with horror and loathing so we endlessly obsess over them. This has never been more relevant—in my life at least—than today, in 2020, when every effort is being made to compromise our vision and to uncouple us from our life force, and from the guiding intelligence of existence.
(I went into this subject in more depth on the Live meet-up last Monday, a partial recording of which will be Saturday’s Liminalist podcast.)
Once Upon a Time in Eden
Back to sex: to be able to have sex that is uncoupled from traumatic imprints means we have to un-program ourselves and enter into a space of possibility with no idea what is going to happen. No idea of “sex,” at all. This takes us back to the Garden of Eden: before the fall. Being naked, without any clue as to why, or even that we are (naked). Going beyond the masks, to a pure foundation. Any idea of sex we have is a capitulation to the program. The program is what has us doing sex for something, anything, other than sex itself.
I said this blogpost had to be an exercise in futility, which is another way of saying a demonstration of impotence. If I successfully demonstrate my failure to convey this meaning, have I then succeeded? If I succeed, have I failed? It is not about either failure or success (any more than sex is), but about closing the gap between what’s articulated and what’s understood (or what is expressed and what is felt). Talking about sex is dancing about architecture: there is many a slip tween the tongue and the lips; and you might even get bit.
What are we all afraid of? How and why did we take the program of the serpent’s phony promise of “You too can have total mastery over your erection (it’s called Viagra)”? Because not to have control means being forever led up the garden path by our ding-a-lings, by any blushing beauty with the huevos to ring them—ding-ding.
This is not a pretty fate for any man, but it’s the fate of everyman, and none more than God’s lonely man: the incel! After Eve went off with old snake eyes, Adam was left twisting his Rubik’s cube languidly and making up stupid names for all the animals—making dominion over the earth the booby prize for the pussy-whipped cuckold?
No Sex in Death Valley
Structure is the killer, said Dave. Ouch. What becomes of language then? Did Adam kill life when he named it and assumed lordship over the beasts of the manor? Was that really just another trick of the gods?
To say that structure is the killer is a curiously sweeping statement for Dave, especially since liminality (a concept which Dave claims not to understand) is literally (anthropologically) “anti-structure.” The only solution, Dave says, is randomization, because “creativity can’t happen whenever we refer to a script.” Anything that is repeated creates a groove. Grooves in space (or maybe knots, a vision I once had under the influence). We dig our own grooves, creating “a death valley that gets harder and harder to climb out of, the more we dive into it.”
There is no sex in death valley: just a mind control cult that ends in murder, lost in the desert of the unreal.
All the world’s troubles come down to man’s inability to be alone in a room and do nothing? Or perhaps, to a man’s incapacity to be together with a woman in a room—and do nothing? To not flinch from flaccidity or blush at his boner.
Most of my adult life, I have fluctuated, like a drunken cobra under control of a tone-deaf snake charmer, between trying to avoid having sex and trying to avoid not-having sex. The liminal path, straight is the gate and narrow is the way and all that, is in now trying to avoid all kinds of avoidance and to avoid all kinds of trying. This means 1) not having sex; but also 2) in some weird too-soon-to-formulate way, not not having sex; so far, sadly it doesn’t involve 3) having sex.
All comes to those who wait, they say. Unless we are too old and wrinkled to remember what it was we were waiting for, or care about it if and when it finally arrives. But be of good cheer, my brothers: for though I have not yet overcome the world, I have made some significant strides in uncoupling my ego from the pressure of my nut-sack.
And that, surely, is progress is this (bittersweet) pil-grim’s tale.
Last up from my notes: Dave stresses, once again, that we have lost our sense of divine time. Only he knows what he means by that. While Dave may only understand what I say to the extent that I myself understand it, he is not beyond saying things that I am incapable of grokking. He tills the soil of my soul for the sowing of future seeds that my mind may never get to see, much less eat the fruit of. He is in it for the long-haul and playing the long-game. The stakes he evokes are that of the macrocosmic sperm, on a mission to seed a Universe.
To get divine time back, Dave says, we need to move in response to existence’s design, regardless of whatever may be happening around us. As a devilish combination of inertia and chaos creeps across the planet, like the sperm dedicated only to reaching its destination we are beleaguered on every side—but we do have a purpose.
Our purpose is encapsulated not in a transcendental mission that would derange even the most expanded of minds, but in simple things: when to eat, drink, sleep, wake, dance, move, when to have sex or not to have sex. Enlightenment, once again, is not following the crappy Hollywood Armageddon script we’ve been given, but listening to the intelligence coming though us, even when everything is telling us to follow the fear, to listen to the prison guards inside us, and go into full-blown, full-body lockdown.
The egg-timer of our life force, meanwhile, is running out—and nothing focuses the mind like death.
Love is a Rose and You Better Not Pick It
Life is very short, and there’s no time, for fussing and fighting my friends. We can work it out. Together.
How many different ways are there to say “I don’t know”? And when is it a cop-out and when is it a concession and a confession that lightens the load of a burned-out nervous system and unleashes the libido-life-force-soul to spread its wings and do its unfathomable, uncategorizable thing before our unbelieving eyes?
What are you, guy, willing to admit is beyond your power? Are you willing to take idle hands off tinkly-winkly and let the good Lord hitch his plough to him? (Please don’t take that image literally.)
There is more to this post, but it has to come directly from my heart to you, right here, right now. And it has to come from you back again. Otherwise we are selling each other short. I don’t claim to have the solution, but that’s OK: I am not presenting this as a problem, even if it has felt to me like that for the last forty years. I offer it as a mystery—the mystery of sex, in both senses of the word (gender can kiss my cojones, there are no lukewarm taps or neutral bathrooms in heaven).
The mystery of sex surrounds a wound, or is hidden inside one, or both. And since I know how difficult it is for us guys to open up to one another in the first instance, never mind with women around, the next phase of this exploration is for men only (cue disbelieving murmurs in the audience).
So here it is: an invitation, an opening, the creation of a space for guiding intelligence and loving connection to enter into, or emerge out of: I call this event (which will only happen if enough sad-sacks are ballsy enough to get hard for it): “Sex: What Is It Good For?—Including When You Aren’t Getting Any (Or: Why Incels May Be Ahead of the Curve).”
To book this event, if it is your first time, answer the questions at the consult page, here. If you have already been circumcised approved for previous meets, email me. I haven’t yet decided on a date, but it will probably be sometime during the Easter Weekend, between Friday 9th and Monday 13th of April—around noon, Pacific time, 8 pm GMT.
Please note, while this event is for men only, it is also, by inevitable extension, for our other halves, past, present, or future, and hence, they are all invited in spirit.
Other proposed coming events: “Post-Apocalypse Post-Mortem Party,” the follow-up event for attendants of Dave Oshana “World’s End Meet & Greet” of the 4/4 (sign up here if you haven’t yet). My event will be on Monday April 5th, noontime Pacific, 3 pm Eastern, 8 pm UK time, 7 am the next day Oz-time. It will be a decompression, consolidation, and integration opportunity especially (but not exclusively) for first-timers to the Oshana experience, who have been lured, cajoled, seduced, or strong-armed into attending by my relentless and undying efforts, at this site and elsewhere. I will be available to meet as many pieces of minds fly my way, with my own peace of mind, and offer my body as a bridge over troubled waters. (But please don’t take that image literally.)
8 thoughts on “Death Valley 69: Everything You Thought You Wanted to Know About Sex But Were Too Traumatized to Ask”
John Stoltenberg’s book, Refusing to be a Man, revolved around connection and disconnecting in the sex act. He headed out into some pretty uncharted waters–
trying on for size, there is no such thing as sex it is just one part of relationship.
From the standpoint of the societal need to recognize the importance of the act that
can lead to conception, I didn’t think his concept was quite right, but at the same time,
I understood what he was driving at.
He went on to explicate Catherine McKinnon’s work on pornography as a civil rights violation.
It was fascinating and hopeful, but unfortunately, it has pretty much failed, at least in the US.
Wilhelm Reich wrote passionately about the wrong of disconnected sex, not in terms of religious ideology, but in terms of a need for the body to in a way breathe with the Cosmos
through the sex act, which did not occur if it was disconnected from emotion.
My notes from the event for comparison and contrast:
What really starts sex?
What does a sperm have in common with a man? What does his lumbar dorsal movement have in common with a wiggling sperm?
The sperm is running a race of its life – if it doesn’t succeed it doesn’t get to form a body that receives a soul
If it meets the egg it will be sublimated, transmuted – it will disappear
The body is empty then it receives the human soul
If the spirit body has gaps or holes it doesn’t make perfect contact with the skin – if it doesn’t fill up the body there is an area of unconsciousness – the spirit contains the consciousness
Immunity is where the life force is pumping inside the body so the body pushes out so nothing comes in
If you collapse that is where bad energy can come in
The man and woman may go into moments of unconsciousness during sex – so they are not really noticing what is happening
Sex has become impure
Sex contains many forms of communication – all energy centres are pushed together – getting inside the other person’s energy
The energy goes out through the penis and up through the woman’s body – not talking about ejaculation – a man can choose how far his energy goes inside a woman’s body
Why has nature created it so that a woman is physically a receiver of energy? – this is exactly the same thing that happens with the sperm and egg
Why does a man feel drained or irritable after ejaculation? – is he really ready to lose everything?
He is involved in what could be a one time deal
The man is supposed to completely disappear
The man is usually looking not to merge – making sure not to get pulled in or give their heart over – fear of merging
The purpose of the man is often to give some of his energy but not all of it – to not really merge
Guys are often doing numbers in their head – he has a formula
The woman knows the game but she is hoping to catch the guy
If you really want to live, and have others enjoy you, you have to break the pattern
The mould is a fixed form that you’ve agreed to adopt
Because there is a level of deception between people we never really get to find what sex is about
Humans may have started with a single sperm and a single egg – both were really good and pure – build a man and woman around each of these
200,000 generations later that is not going on – the purity has become impurity
Sex is usually something that stands out in a person’s mind as there is a lot of noise around it – it is powerful trip
Is sex truly pleasurable? A person wants to leak off some of their energy but are they right to do it?
People’s emotions and sexual energy are being hyper stimulated by social forces
A person is being stimulated but not by a person they are in love with – they are stimulated electronically and through images
People are in a hyper stimulated state where they are churning and turning their sexual energy over
Where is their sexual energy going? It’s not going towards any specific special purpose that has been given to them
You can’t really separate sexual energy from the life force energy – it has been split off into a single energy in the human mind
You cannot control life – you cannot control a person’s life force energy
Sex becomes a formula – there is no investigation into what it really is
The woman wants the man to chase her – to do the little sperm dance – she wants to feel he can’t see anything else
If a man has been trained to only be into looks then he will try to swap her out as she gets older
The sperm can’t go egg shopping
The man has to follow the woman all the way back to the original mystery
The woman wants to be contacted on all levels- the man has not really got home until he has got through all the trials and tests
There is an assault course around every soul – trauma, shock and distraction
If a couple don’t have frequent quiet moments together they are not connecting
We have to have good connections with everything and everyone – humanity is one organism
Humanity is already weakened – the immune system is already compromised
People have a tendency to invite in bad influences
Theres a choice where you put your mind – it is capitulating to dark forces to always be giving your energy to them – it’s not going to make you happy or healthy
It’s a daily practice to discontinue the melancholic mind – bad memories can come up at any time – a jangly effect in your nervous system – you need your life force to push it out
You can start by filling yourself up with a lot of breath
To reprogram is not to program – when it comes to sex it means having no idea what is going to happen – have no idea that anything sexual will happen
Being naked means you can see each other beyond the mask and programming – with no idea that sex will happen
The programming says you have to have sex when you are naked together
Every person’s sexual point of view is often just another fragment of sex
The person who has sex by the numbers is no better than someone experimenting in ‘kinky business’
People are often doing sex not for sex but for something else – sex is being reprogrammed to produce something else
If you haven’t been having love in your life, you can’t call sex lovemaking – your engine is not running on love
Is it lovemaking or an attempt to make love? – is it 100% love or a wish for love?
It isn’t lovemaking if there isn’t pure 100% love before during and forever after the sex
Love is the harmonisation of existence, and the harmonisation of existence supports life
Love is the harmonisation of where life wants to go – a person is a bystander, they are getting to witness life to a degree
What gets in the way of pure love coming out is the various programs – the shape of a person’s love is coming out in a particular form – another person can find inhospitable, disturbing
People in the group are insensitive of how to deliver to one another
For love to come through us it requires the awareness that understands that you not are here to control or dominate other people, or to be passive aggressive and moan and whine – there are passive ways to control people – none of that can work for the natural energy to flow
If you want to really know someone’s love you can’t put any conditions on the other person – if they lovingly sacrifice to you but not to the whole of existence then it is inviable
You, your children and partner are all part of existence
For healing to happen all of the conditions have to be taken off of the person you are relating to
Structure is the killer – if you want structure you are not going to get freedom, or find out about true spontaneity and creativity
Only randomisation can surprise the programming – don’t keep sighing, aching and moaning
Your identity is the deepest valley inside you
If your lifestyle is evidence that you are a singular identity you are encoding it into yourself all of the time
The original sperm wasn’t motivated by fear – it wiggled and waggled out of the joy of moving
The timing of existence has to be perfectly on time
If you follow rigid behaviours the divine timing can’t really work through you – it means souls may come in prematurely or late
Enough love means being able to tune into where everything is supposed to be
Human beings usually mess up the timing by refusing to be spontaneous – their spirit isn’t moving freely into all of the places
The guards and protections in the mind go a bit haywire during sex
Whatever toxins are in a person’s body can appear in the sexual fluids – they are energy forms
During sex it’s impossible to not absorb energies
All your ancestral energies come into contact during sex – they are negotiating with each other – are the energies right?
We get so hypnotised by survival that we don’t pay attention to the energy anymore
As long as there is sexual abuse going on it affects everyones sex life
Enlightenment is not following the script you have been given to follow – fear is the prison guard
Unavoidably we are eating each other’s pain
You have to be able calm down your body so your hungry ghosts leave you – other people are trying to infect you with their hungry ghosts
Thanks, Martin for the greater verbatim and Jasun for the lesser verbatim and screen capture. Seems this spermatic meme is now in the wild. Do you both grant me permission to share your works?
does the forest need a bear’s permission? 😉
Such a great song.
“Death Valley 69”?
Great essay. I have everything and nothing to say about it, being the wrong sex.
Pure poetry. Beautiful post. There’s less and less tension in every new text. Your dedication is obvious, you haven’t swayed from your goal as far as I can see it *not that I actually know what it is), but there is less weight and much more playfulness irrispective of the topic covered.
I’ll save my derangement vis a vis sexual experiences for the meet. Not that I mind sharing here but it would require too much work to present it intelligibly.